I’ve been pretty open about the fact that I’ve struggled with depression for much of my life, and I’ve been fighting it hard of late. There’s been a lot of churn in both my personal and professional lives over the last couple of months, most of which I can’t discuss publicly, and it has gotten harder and harder to deal with it all. I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed, by my responsibilities, by meeting the expectations of others and of myself, by just about everything. I feel like I’ve collapsed under the weight of the many hats I’ve been wearing, and while I know I’m not yet in my “danger zone”, I did feel that I had to slam on the brakes and try to regain some balance.
That meant that I dropped out of a blogging project I had agreed to take on, and I feel a huge amount of guilt about that, but between work and the other responsibilities I was juggling, something had to give. I’m getting my equilibrium back, slowly, but now I’m torn about whether I want to jump back into blogging at LND again at all. It’s the height of summer, our farmers’ markets are bursting with vibrant color, and it is by far the best time of year for a food lover like myself, but I just haven’t felt inspired. There’s a part of me that wants so badly to get back to cooking *my* food, to photographing it for posterity, documenting that part of our lives on the blog, but as I sit here and watch a steady stream of tweets popping up from yet another blogging conference, I feel like I’ve been doing it all wrong anyway, so why bother?
But then I think about last weekend’s farmers’ market, and how as Mike and I walked into the area of the park where the tents are lined up, one of our favorite farmers came out from behind her table and gave me this huge hug, telling me that she had finally looked at LND, and how much she loved it, that there was so much negativity out there in the world and how nice it was to look at my photos and read my words and how positive they were, and she thanked me again and again. I teared up a bit, because as much as I like to tell myself that I blog for myself, this was yet another reminder that people out there are reading, and watching, and sharing what is happening in our lives via LND. And then there are these opportunities arising, people coming to me because they like what I’m doing and see some value there and want to work with me. And it’s incredibly flattering and humbling but weighty. It’s weird and uncomfortable to feel so many eyes on me, and there are more to come once my Edible Rhody piece publishes and another project I contributed to launches in the fall, and while I should be terribly excited, every time I think about it I want to hide.
There’s a very big part of me that wants to go back in time, before food52, before the New York Times, before the whole mess with the restaurant and the aftermath. I realize that I would be giving up the wonderful relationships that grew during that time, but it would also take me back to a time where I had some anonymity, where the blog was just the blog and not what has come to feel like a second, unpaid full-time job, one that I’m currently failing at.
I’m depressed. I’m sad. I’m scared. And it could not be happening at a worse time.
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Sending hugs your way. I totally get where you are coming from and hope that you find your way to happiness soon.
You are so not failing miserably at the blog. Ignore whatever you may have been seeing from this “blogging conference”. If there’s anything to actually know about blogs, it’s that they are totally individual and carry the author’s voice and visions, and so each is, and should be, unique.
The way you so lovingly arrange and photograph food (and also photograph farmers’ markets and whatever catches your fancy with the camera) – your passion shines through in your photos. And, at least for me, it really resonates and, quite honestly, fills me with joy when there is a new entry.
I don’t know what else you may be going through, but I know Kali’s illness will take a toll, but for many of us we’ve only gotten to know and love Kali through your photos. Any serious illness with a close family member may make it difficult to find enthusiasm or pleasure in things that normally do. Hopefully it will get easier with the passage of time. But do it on your own pace, and don’t feel forced by others if you don’t have to.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Here’s to finding some peace and balance. Take care of yourself, Jen.
Hi Jen, I just saw this on FB and clicked through – have never been to this blog before! Your blog is AMAZING, but, yes, doing this can be weighty and time consuming. I’ve been to a food blogging conference and the crux of the message is that you have to develop your own voice and keep it. If you want to monetize the heck out of it then deal with SEO, otherwise, don’t worry. And, most importantly, if you don’t go to the conferences to try to be in the “in” crowd, nothing is lost at all. This is your creative outlet, let it be just that and whatever will be, will be. LND should be fun and easy for you. Your loyal readers will come back again and again whether you post once a month or once a year. We LOVE you for who you are. Just hang in there with all the changes and craziness. Take care of yourself and find peace. xoxo
Your blog is exquisite just the way it is. It is one of only a few that I look forward to reading on a regular basis. It is unique and expresses a love of perfect ingredients and the joy in preparing them for those we love. So many food blogs have become commercialized, rather like the “contests” that have destroyed the food network. Please keep yours exactly as it is, and continue to do it on your terms.
Depression is a constant companion for some us. You are wise to know how significant a place it occupies in your life and to keep it in it’s place. So generously sharing a part of yourself with others should not put any obligations on you. Peace to you.
Jen–My thoughts echo Kelsey and Cheryl’s comments. You are an ORIGINAL, not a wanna-be or trying to hitch your wagon to other people’s stars. Opptys are coming YOUR way because of who you are, and for the love and passion you’ve shown through LND. I know some serious ‘hobbyists’ across various activities, and when things get less “private” they have sought some advice, coaching, media training–call it whatever you want. I would bet that any of the folks behind the entities who have embraced you, would give you that kind of direction. We are not born to be in the spotlight—but those who are blessed with talent learn (and can be helped) to deal with the attention. Thank you for sharing yourself and your GIFT thus far! You and Mike will decide how and when to rein things in, or when to go for it. Even Oprah took a year off from all appearances. Success builds on itself, and maybe someday it can be your full time work…so you are not spanning two worlds. “Do what you love and you’ll never “work” another day in your life.” I hope to see more of LND and to read about the other projects you’ve been working on!! Though it’s plenty for others to go on, I’m glad I know YOU more than through your beautiful photos and postings!
I am so sorry you’re down like this. Is it the depression that makes you want to hide and retreat and not embrace the expansive life that your work is bringing you? If so, I hope it does not win. Taking on too much is exhausting. But too little is crippling. And the happy medium is so rarely an option. I wish you the best. And definitely ignore anyone who tells you your online work isn’t right. They’re wrong.
Jen,
LND is unique, and that’s why we all love it (and you). Please do not think you are doing anything “wrong” based on the IFBC twitterstream…while there might be some value to be gained from that, it is also kind of a lot of nonsense that probably does not pertain to the way you blog.
Blogging is incredibly time consuming and it’s not financially rewarding, so the fact that you do such a wonderful job of it in addition to your regular job (that you commute to) makes you a complete and utter star in my book.
But please Jen- as much as we all love your blog, we want you to take care of yourself and your loved ones first. If the projects that you’ve taken on related to the blog are contributing to you feeling stressed/overwhelmed/sad/depressed, then you are doing the right thing in re-evaluating your involvement in them. Backing out of a project is ok, Jen. Don’t feel guilty. You have the right to negotiate the terms of your “blogging life”- you don’t owe anyone anything. Give yourself some time to think it all over. Take a break. If you want to, you can jump back in at a later date and agree to the opportunities that you have time for, that will be fun for you and that are otherwise worthwhile (like if they pay you) . But right now please take care of you
Hmm, I came over here at last…hard to know what to say, Jen.
As far as the Blog -
What you are doing with Last Night’s Dinner is right. F&*% blogging conferences. Ick.
If anything, shut down your Twitter account. Or Facebook, for that matter. Limit your additional media exposure to stuff that makes you feel bad. And keep on with your blog when you can – your blog is valuable. It’s one of the best out there, and you should know that. It will pay off.
For what else is happening in your life, strength.
Dear Jen,
Your post sure hit home. I applaud you for being brave enough to write what I’ve been thinking about my own blog for weeks. If it’s any consolation, I think most of us bloggers are worrying about so many of these issues. Of course, sharing similar pain doesn’t always make us feel better…
Seriously smart of you to know when to pull back and say “I just can’t do it right now.” That’s a skill many of us don’t learn until it’s too late, and we’ve imploded in some way. Your instincts are right and you are so wise to heed that inner voice.
Your blog, your photos, your seemingly effortless cooking talents are all great inspirations to so many. It’s clear you are passionate and happy when in the kitchen. If you need some time off, we’ll all be waiting patiently.
Love to you and Mike,
xoCathy
Thank you for such a brave post. I totally understand wanting to rewind (although selfishly I’d be sad because I wouldn’t have gotten to really know you without your Food52/NYT fame). and I really understand needing to reset. Take a break if you need one (for as long as you want) and do it guilt-free. Blogging (or any hobby, frankly) should be done because it brings you joy, not because of a sense of obligation.
Your writing is wonderful and so are your photos and the food that inspires them. There’s a banquet in your archives for us to dine on, and to echo Cathy: we’ll be here when you need us.
You seem to have gotten your priorities in the right order. We’ll miss you but we’ll survive. (And we can always get a dose of you when necessary by re-reading some of your old posts!) Take care of yourself and your life. And hold fast!
Jen,
Keep you head held high and know there are many people who love and admire you. I hope you find YOUR way and do what makes YOU happy. Your blog is my very favorite and I think you have done a splendid job maintaining it.
Best wishes and much hope to you.
Samantha from Maine
Hi Jen,
I have followed you for years and have never written but must do so now. You have, in my opinion, the BEST food blog out there. I have looked at others but haven’t found that they click with me enough to follow on a regular basis. That said, I encourage you to take a break. You don’t have to make any final decisions about whether to continue or not. You can let time guide you. You are taking on so much and are under incredible pressures. Love yourself and give yourself the gift of time off. You are an amazing person and we have all come to know and love you – so we want to see you happy and healthy. The world can wait. If you want to resume the blog we’ll still be here. If you come to enjoy the freedom of just doing your thing with Mike and not taking on all the extra pressures, good for you, too! We love you! (I agree, stop with the Twitter and Facebook – they take too much time and energy. You can always go back to one or the other in a few months if you want.)
Vicki from Ca.
Jen,
I really connect with your post. I, too, struggle with my blog: why I do it, where to go with it, and how much of my time and my heart to invest in it.
This summer, I pulled back. I felt I couldn’t bring lightness and joy to the page, and the chaos of life interfered as well. It weighed heavily on me. Still does.
This blogging thing; it’s complicated. It’s sadly competitive. There’s so much I don’t know. But what I do know, and what was reinforced over and over to me this weekend at IFBC, is for me it’s about the sharing, the friendships, the community. And that we all need to set our terms – our personal terms, not SEO or CPMs or price per recipe – and respect them.
Jen, know in your heart that your recipes, your photos, your voice are beautiful and inspirational. Whether you choose to go public or stay private with them is your choice and yours alone. Regardless, you, my friend, are doing it right.
I wish you peace and joy.
xoxo
Maria
Jen,
Your blog is how you see your world and choose to share it with us. You are very talented with the photo lens and even more eloquent with the wordsmithing that gives your voice unique and warm character, all this through a few paragraphs of words and snapshots. But throughout the whole LND, there’s a beautiful continuity. That’s no easy task.
I feel honored that you’ve done so much and choose to share it with us. There’s no way you can ‘fail’ at what you see. Pay no attention to anyone who says differently. As stated in the beginning, you invited us into your kitchen and you have been a great hostess. Those who do not appreciate that are poor guests.
I do you hope you find the inspiration to pick this up again or perhaps have a greater vision to share with us in the future.
Much Love,
~A.
I love your blog and photography, but if it’s not making you happy, then something has to change. I love your blog and I have never been to a blogging conference and I don’t plan to. Bah!
Hey Jen,
As always, sending good thoughts your way and hoping that you find the balance you need to continue to love the things you do so well. You’re a good soul and I wish you much happiness. Dig deep and don’t worry as much about getting over things as getting through them. Hugs, JM
Jen honey,
Do what you want to do when you want to do it and don’t spend another minute worrying about it. Because worry is interest paid on troubles you may never have. You need to live your life the way you want. Period.
I’ve been through this and it took awhile to accept and do it. But I have.
Sending many hugs and thoughts to you. You will make the right decision for you.
Mary
I am one of your faithful followers who has enjoyed your blog from the moment I stumbled upon it. Your love of food, of preparing it simply, elegantly & so creatively has always inspired me.
I am sorry that what started out as a joyful project for you has turned into another chore! As much as I’d miss your stories & gorgeous photos, you need to do whatever to look after yourself.
Thank you for the months of inspiration…hopefully you’ll find your balance & return to doing only that which gives you great joy!
Jen,
I love your blog and your photography and, above all, your dedication to beautiful, healthy, local ingredients.
As someone who has struggled with depression since age 12 (I’m 29 now), I can completely relate to how you’re feeling.
As a loyal reader and fan I’ll tell you this: you’ve given us so much. You are not leting anyone down – take deep breaths and take your time and live your life – get well and don’t feel like you’ve let us down – you’ve only added beautiful things to my life.
I wish you the best of luck and everything good.
With love,
Maggie Wrobel
I’m really sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Kudos to you for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and I’ll be here eager to read more LND whenever you’re ready.
Yours is one of my favorite daily check-ins. You feel like that cool foodie couple who lives just down the block, the ones we never get to hang out with enough.
All said sometimes blogs live out their days, and can just be done. Maybe you need to take a break, maybe you need to reinvent yourself somewhere new. Whatever it is wouldja let us know how to find you? You’ve given me so many dinner ideas when I’m just stumped.
*shakes you a martini*
I’ve so often turned to your site for inspiration, as a cook and a photographer!! Just wanted to let you know what a wonderful job you have done, and to take care of yourself and come out on the other side of this knowing your work is really appriciated!
I wanted to write and tell you how much I’ll miss your blog if you don’t post a little “tapas” from time to time. I have to repeat the sentiment I’ve read in the other comments – I don’t follow any blogs daily and yours is the only one I come back to more than occasionally. Your photographs are GORGEOUS and your descriptions always inspire me to cook something delicious. I’m not even sure what “tweets from blogging conferences are” but they sound annoying, so don’t try to do that!
Take care of yourself and come back to inspire those of us waiting in our kitchens!
Diane Marinelli
Thanks so much, everyone. Things have been hard, and I’m still struggling, but I’m trying to just take things a day at a time. Yesterday was a better day; I was reasonably happy with what I made for dinner and I even posted about it. I handled the stresses of my day fairly well, and I felt a little brighter. Kali, unfortunately, seems to have taken a turn for the worse, and that’s really brought me down again. I am so grateful for these extra months we’ve gotten to share with her, but I fear the time to say goodbye is closing in. She’s off to the vet this afternoon and we’ll know more then. Know that I can feel your strength around me. It’s palpable. And I am so grateful to you all.
Hello Jenn I know exactly were your at since unfortunately I too have battled the same enemy. Thats what it is. An enemy that wants to destroy you and keep you down. But you are bigger than him. You are loved by many people who appreciate you and what you do. God has given you such a great talent. It’s only normal some ones jealous. lol
Jenn -depression is a sorrowful state and only God can pull us out completely. Put your eyes on God and how much He loves you and cares for you. Forget your problems-try to rise above them by only permitting good positive thoughts enter your mind. I was cured of depression years ago by the renewing of my mind. I stopped looking at my problems and starting concentrating on God and others. I started to realize how much God loved me and here I was having my own pity party. I am not saying this is your case but it was for me and only God was able to take it away. He renewed my mind with positive things. I rejected all thoughts that were false. If I could not prove it 100% I would reject it. After a while I was totally free. The lies were gone and my thought process was normal again.
I will pray for you dear friend. God is good and He will care for you and heal each and every tear that falls down your sweet and beautiful face. God bless you!
We, your loyal readers, are here for you if you want to blog again and, though we’d miss you dreadfully if you stopped writing and sharing, I know we’d all understand and would support you 100%. You and Mike be well and take care of each other.
Jen, I am just getting around to reading this post and I feel terrible that
I’m just getting to it.
You are so talented and so passionate about what you do. Depression is a terrible demon to have to wrestle. But, I know you’re going to win.
Forget all this for while. Relax, recoup, reassess. And, just know that there are so many of us out here who support you wholeheartedly. People you’ve met IRL, and people like me, who you only know from twitter & FB…..we’re here to support you now, and whenever you decide to come back to blogging.
In the meantime, let Mike make you one of his great cocktails, and snuggle with Kali.
With much respect and admiration,
Gail
I feel like I’ve gotten to know you guys a little, through LND and through Twitter. And my heart breaks to read this, and to think of how it all must feel. I have loved checking in on your blog, and seeing you gain….EARN acclaim for your skills. If it’s not bringing you joy, sweetheart, walk away. At least for a little while. And if suddenly, in a day or a week or a month, you make a beautiful, simple, truly YOU dinner, and it makes you happy, and you want to…. make a post. We’ll be here, not expecting anything, but hoping that someday it makes you happy again.
I am sending you good vibes. I am building a “good vibe wall” around you (and Mike, and the cats) 6 inches thick on all sides.
This may sound like hippy mumbo jumbo, but it’s sincere hippy mumbo jumbo. Keep being strong. You can win this fight.
I didn’t read any blogs while I was on vacation, so I missed this until just now. So (eep!) I’m sorry if I touched a nerve when I asked about the RR project… sheesh.
On the other hand, I am *so* happy I was able to finally give you a hug in person. And I can definitely relate to the feeling of “doing it all wrong” according to the experts’ ideas about how blogs should be managed. What ever happened to being a talented amateur, eh?
Enjoy your break, and don’t sweat it. Everyone will still be there when you get your inspiration back.
xo
Hi Jen,
I have been stalking LND for years off and on and it has given me immense pleasure and inspiration. I have no clue what the blogging conference refers to and frankly I don’t give a rats arse. I love your blog, its style and appearance, the awesome photos and your ad hoc approach to cooking.
Just keep on doing whatever gives you pleasure and satisfaction. Happy New Year!